My Visit to the Fallopionologist - Part One of my Journey

2/20/15

I have been anxiously awaiting this appointment since I set it up a month or two ago. I am nervous that I will have to argue my case to the doctor, because I’m young and I’ve heard that it can be hard to convince someone to do this operation without some haggling. I’ve been suffering a heavy depressive episode for a solid week now, however, and I think that fact alone will be enough to push my case in the right direction.

I sit in the waiting room at the Women and Children’s Pavilion and take glances at the other patients. I wonder if some of them are here because they’re already planning their families. I’m almost smug as I think to myself that I won’t have to worry about starting a conventional family – that I have decided to take this step and define my own version.

After I’ve been called in to the doctor’s room and had my vitals taken, I sit alone staring out the window. I wonder if I should be staring at my phone when the doctor comes in, or if that makes me look like I’m too immature to make adult decisions. I’m not sure if this is an irrational thought or not, but I pull my book out anyway. I want to appear educated, well informed, capable of making such a big decision at a young age.

When the doctor – a man I chose specifically based on his experience in this field – walks in, the first words out of his mouth are, “I will do a tubal litigation on you, but…”

Although I’m listening to the rest of his speech, I’m so relieved that I won’t have to fight him to do the surgery that a smile begins to creep on my face immediately.  I pay close attention as he tells me all the things I’ve already heard and researched – this is an irreversible decision, I may come to regret it, and if I ever choose to get pregnant in the future it will cost at least $30,000 with no guarantee of success. He tells me that there are methods of birth control that I can use now that aren’t permanent, and they often have the added bonus of reducing my periods. I can tell that he is genuinely concerned, but I can also tell he knows I’ve already made up my mind – he only tells me the facts out of obligation, not as a means to persuade me to alter my decision.

He looks over my file and confirms a few things about me and we discuss which procedure we both think would be best suited for my body – a body that has never given birth to a live child and is now opting out of ever doing so.

I again find myself staring out the window. I’m looking at the trees and letting the weight of my decision sink in again. I look at the trees to ground myself. I have always thought trees to my closest connection to God. I let all the thoughts and doubts tumble around in my brain. I see those trees and remind myself that there is beauty in the world, even when I can’t see it. I think, “Is it selfish to not produce a child to experience this beauty?” I think, of course, of the traumatizing and brutal miscarriage I had 7 years ago. I think of how I’d always yearned, ached to give birth to a child of my own. I think about how beautiful and humbling it would be to let God place a human inside me, let it grow, and birth it into the world.

And yet…that is what I can’t do. This world is the reason I can’t do it. While part of me will always grieve the fact that I won’t experience the miracle (and oh, it’s such a beautiful miracle!) of childbirth, I know in my heart that wanting to birth a child is not enough reason to have a child. Because when you have a child, it’s a living, binding contract with that human for the rest of your lives. And I’m not prepared to make that commitment. I will never be prepared. There are too many factors involved in raising a human being, and I respectfully acknowledge that this will not be my lot in life.

I think again about the world, and it confirms my decision again. I think about the depression and anxiety I have lived with all my life and I think about how selfish I would be to pass that on to my child. I think about the way I was treated by my peers when I didn’t fit their standards, and I know how helplessly heartbroken I would feel watching my offspring experience the same. I think that, even if they do fit in with the world, is that really what I would want? Do I want to have a child who submits to peer pressure, follows the crowd into potentially dark territory? Do I want to watch from the sidelines as my child grows up and chooses a path that may lead it away from me? Do I want to watch a human being that I created and love experience heartache, fear, anxiety, seclusion?

This may sound harsh, and I know that not everyone will understand or agree with me. I know they will tell me that there is also so much joy and beauty in the world. I know this to be true, 100%. I won’t dispute that. But we live in an age of terror, and I genuinely fear things will never get better. We live in a world where people kill each other over race, religion, and sexuality. We live in a world that produces “role models” in the form of pop singers and misogynist celebrities. We live in a world where people hide behind their keyboards while going out of their way to ridicule, shame, harass, and torment their online peers.  For as much chance as a child has of experiencing joy in this world, I do not believe I will ever be ready to take that chance, especially if it is born with the same mental darkness that I've been plagued with.

There are many other reasons, of course. I like to sleep in. I love to travel. I hate being tied down to anything. I like to know that I can, at any moment, uproot myself and move onto something new. Additionally, I’ve worked with children for over a decade. I love those children endlessly. I have loved many of them as if they were my own. At the end of my life, I can happily say that I played a positive, influential role in their lives. So even without producing babies of my own, I have still impacted the lives of many. This brings me satisfaction and I am eternally humbled to have been entrusted with the care of other people’s treasures. The loves of their lives have also been the loves of mine. I have done my best to guide them, protect them, and teach them as I would had they had been mine. To have been able to share my heart with them is something I will always be grateful for. I believe God gave me the gift of compassion to care for many, even if it means sacrificing caring for just one.

All these thoughts enter and exit my head slowly and methodically. I don’t realize until later, but this is my way of grieving what could have been while also fully embracing what will be. When I leave the doctor’s office, the delight and relief I feel is the happiest moment I've had in weeks, and I know I’m doing the right thing.

Bee Life Pt. 2

My friends! Only a week and a half has passed since my last posting, but it feels like I've been here much longer. The family and I have developed a really great dynamic that makes my living situation as comfortable as could be desired. I'm feeling quite at home here, and the parents both seem to like me.

In the last week I've learned as much, if not more, as I did my first week. This time, though, it's been even better since I've felt accepted enough to offer my own feedback now and then. I don't always, since I know I'm still a beginner, but it feels good to know that I can speak up. B has encouraged me to do so, actually, saying that it helps strengthen our communication. The fact that anyone has to encourage me to talk more must seem surprising, but I'm actually pretty quiet here. B told me I'm "hard to read" which I don't think I've ever had anyone tell me before. He also says I'm intimidating. That I'm more familiar hearing.

I've been doing a lot of gardening. When I moved here I neglected to tell them that I have somewhat of a black thumb and tend to kill any plant I come in contact with. I figured that it can't be something I'm born with, that I can overcome it, so I kept silent. As of yesterday I've successfully planted two entire gardens. It took me three or four days, but I estimate I planted 100+ plants by hand, not counting the sunflowers I sowed in another field. After B taught me how to work the drip line system, I also spent a lot of time working on that (which is why the gardening took so long). For those of you who don't know, a drip line system is a series of plastic hoses set up to a central water line. We install small emitters up and down the hose alongside the plants so that when we turn on the main line (or set the timer up to turn on twice a day, like we did), all the plants get watered at once. Here's a sample picture that I didn't draw (don't sue me, Internet).

I've never planted a garden before, and I assumed it was pretty self explanatory.It was a bit harder, or maybe just more arduous, than I'd planned on. We had to dig up all the previous plants that were there that hadn't worked out, so that was three rows of space we cleared up. Then of course we had to use the rototiller on the whole thing to de-weed everything. After that I planted row upon row of plants myself. If all goes well, in two or three months we'll be able to start eating fresh veggies that I grew myself! 

Whenever I garden, I get really excited at the idea that everything in life comes from little to nothing. These tiny seeds, anywhere from the size of a comma to a dime holds within them the ability to grow into something life sustaining. It just blows my mind. 

In addition to gardening, I've spent several various days with our bees! We picked them up last week from where they'd been for the past few months. I've been stung a total of five times. Currently my left eye is swollen halfway shut due to the sting I received on my left temple yesterday. Other than that, all my stings have reacted quite well. That's another thing that amazes me - the size of a bees' stinger is hair thin, but it hurts like a bitch. We dissected a couple bees last week so B could show me their anatomy, and it's incredible how sharp their stings are! They're also barbed, which helps them lodge into the skin. When you get a chance, you should definitely Google it. Every part of the bee is so perfectly and amazingly designed, I can't get over it.

I can get into what exactly I'm learning to do with the bees (answer: everything there is to learn) later, but I want to talk about our swarm calls first. When bees relocate, they travel in a swarm (around their queen, of course). They rest often because a queen bee is unaccustomed to flying long distances. When they do this, they temporarily hang out in places like branches, roofs, or wherever they land. Meanwhile, they send scouts out to look for a new home to build their next hive. When this happens near someone's house, the owner's first reaction is usually to call pest control. Well B has set it up with all the local pest control businesses to call him in this situation instead of eliminating the bees (they are so important to our ecosystem, guys!) and then he goes and removes the swarm himself. He charges a small removal fee and we get to keep the bees. We study them to see how healthy they are and if we can use them in our own hives. In the last week (swarms start in the spring) we've responded to two swarm calls. Both of them were about 45-55 minutes away, but the bees we got out of the deal are doing really well here with us now. It's one of my favorite parts of life here. When we're out there, we get a chance to educate people about the bees. This is crucial, because once someone's interest is sparked they're less likely to kill any future bees they might find on their property. Awareness is key! Always. 

Among everything I've done recently, here are some of the highlights:

~ I got to pull honey from frames for the first time. This involves uncapping the honey with a hot knife, putting it into this metal spinning machine to basically shoot the honey out of the frame cells, then double straining it. B says I should tell all my friends that I make good honey. Obviously I can't take all the credit, since the bees did most of the work, but I'll take it. 

~ The 21 month old has gotten to the point of hugging my legs when she sees me. The way she pronounces my name is pretty unintelligible, or I'd try to type it out for you, but the fact that she tries is pretty sweet.

~ I was sent on my first bee mission by myself! Two of our hives are down the road at a friend's. We took the queen out of one of the hives recently because she was getting too old, so B sent me to check out how the hive was doing without her/ if the bees were making a new queen. I was pretty excited that he trusted me enough to send me out on my own.

~ B says we'll build a hive for my very own that we keep separate from the other hives so I can learn more that way. He didn't go into too much detail, but I'm pretty excited.

I'm just loving my life here. For those of you who didn't see my Facebook status, it looks like I'll be staying here up until possibly July. I can hardly fathom how much more there is to learn, but I'm so excited and blessed to be here. I love and miss you all! 

Busy as a Bee

Friends! I'm here, I'm alive, I'm happy. I have so much to tell you all and plenty of time to tell it, so here we go. I've already done so much in such a short time that I feel like I've been gone for several weeks, not just the one.

I arrived in Wilton, CA safe and sound Sunday evening after spending the weekend in San Francisco/ Sacramento with Darin. We had a great drive down from Washington, making a couple detours along the way. I dropped him off at the bus station in Sacramento on Sunday and made the half hour drive to Wilton to meet my host family and move my things in. I'm staying in a motor home right next to their house. It's cozy, has electricity, and is close enough to access the Wi-Fi. 

Monday - We jumped right into the thick of things. I was up at 7:20 and ready to go immediately. After eating breakfast and sitting around while everyone woke up, I realized B hadn't been kidding when he said we'd normally be out the door "ideally" by 8. He actually meant it would be ideal, cuz it's only happened once this week. 

We headed over to his father-in-law's for Burn Day. This involved lots of carting heavy and not-so-heavy things into a pile and making a huge ass fire. We hung out and watched it burn for about four hours. While we were there, the father-in-law let me try out his quad. I told them I'd never driven one before, and they decided the best way to learn would be to just jump right on. Ever since then, I get to drive B's quad whenever I want, or whenever he sends me to get things with it.

After all that burning, we had lunch and rest time before getting to the heart of the day. There were 6 guinea fowl on the property that had been sent here for a time. I don't remember why. If you've never seen a guinea fowl, here. They're like a mix between a turkey and a vulture. They're ugly, loud, and hilarious. B & D call them watchdogs, because whenever they see something at all out of the ordinary they shriek their little heads off. However they'd decided to roost under the roof beams near the backyard (and quite close to my trailer), which left bird droppings all along the back patio. They had to go. 

In order to get rid of these unfortunate looking creatures, B and I had to prepare a temporary shelter in one of the pastures. Since they can fly, the shelter was in a small sty looking thing. Mostly we just put a fence in front of it and nailed chicken wire around the window openings. We expected we'd have to spend the afternoon chasing the birds around, but they blessedly had all decided to take that moment to waltz into the chicken yard. This cut our chasing time exponentially. B walked into the yard, grabbed a bird, and handed it to me upside down. I carried it like that across the pasture and shoved it into the little room we'd left in the window opening. It was probably one of the strangest things I've ever done. We did that with five of them. The sixth one freaked out and flew away, so we had to wait an hour until it had calmed down before we could catch it.

We spent the rest of afternoon filling up tires and doing other miscellaneous tasks until we had time to drop the fowl off at a nearby (see: within half an hour's distance) farm that teaches science to kids during the summer. 

Bee fact #1: All worker bees are female.

Tuesday - I slept in an extra 15 minutes since I still wasn't sure how early I should be up. B and I spent the morning playing with girls while D went out. Then B brought out Missy (the horse), tied her to a tree, and showed me how to groom her. I'd never groomed a horse before. It took about an hour, and then I walked her around. I didn't ride her, I just walked her around. The idea is that one day we'll be comfortable enough with each other that I'll be able to ride her. 

After lunch, I spent a couple hours peeling oranges by hand. I also spent 20 minutes using his oxygen-acetylene torch. Sometimes he just walks up and asks if I want to try something. I always say yes, because that's obviously what I'm here for. I did terribly at it, but I didn't burn myself or anyone else, so...that's a plus.

I blended said oranges and spent another hour or so straining the juice through a paint straining bag. It took forfucking ever, guys. I was out in the garage all night (or till 7).

Bee fact #2: Male bees don't have a proboscis or a sting.

Wednesday - This was a pretty low key day labor wise. We spent the morning collecting branches and debris from around the gardens and orchards so we could eventually mow the areas. The oldest girl and I drove them to the burn pile on the quad (they let me drive their 3 year old on a quad already!)

Then B asked if I wanted to go for a ride on the motorcycle. I assumed this meant we were running some quick errands, but what actually happened is we spent the next four hours on the bike. We went to a bee supply store in Sacramento, then another in Woodland. We didn't get home till about an hour before dinner. 

But! After dinner we got to finish the marmalade! It was a bit messy, but I was pretty proud. I'd never canned anything before! I would also like to mention that it's delicious.

That night we had a storm. The lightening and thunder were right outside the window to my trailer. I was delighted by it, but I knew it would make farm life more difficult the next day.

Bee fact #3: A queen mates with up to 20+ drones.

Thursday - This was a day that tested my patience. Despite the rain, I mowed the garden. The mower and my boots kept sinking into the 6-8 inches of mud. I was irritated, which started to show. Eventually he had me mow the orchard which is on a slant of a hill, so the rain didn't sink in as much, and I used the riding mower. 

Afterwards we headed to the local high school where B was asked to do a presentation about bees to two of the agriculture classes. I'm really amazed at the difference in classes over here. They have a floral arrangement club, and their FFA (Future Farmers of America) has a ton of people involved. I'm pretty sure ours had six. 

I had just met a few of the bees the day before for the first time. His normal hives are out at pollination at another farm. This means he rents out his hives to farms and orchards so his bees can pollinate everything. Then he collects them when they're done. Due to recent rains, however, the orchards are too muddy to drive through to pick up his bees. He's been very distraught about it.

Bee fact #4: Bees have four wax-producing glands under their abdomens. They effin make the wax!

Friday - On this day I vacuumed chicken shit out of the chicken coop. This is a real thing. B has a system where his Shop-Vac is outside the coop and the hose runs through a hole in the wall. I vacuumed out each 

stall, scraped them out, then vacuumed again. I also scraped, swept, and vacuumed the cement floor. Then I refilled all the stalls with fresh wood shavings. We use the chicken feces and soiled wood shavings as manure for the garden. It was a disgusting job, but that coop looked damn good when I was finished. Considering I collect and eat the farm fresh eggs almost every day, I'm glad I could make sure the chicken's environment was clean and comfortable.

Afterwards I did a lot of weeding using a hand operated rototiller, an action hoe, a handheld hoe...I'm kinda sore everyday and today especially.

Bee fact #5: Worker bees carry pollen on their hind legs in an area called the pollen baskets.

Saturday - Today we drove to Rancho Cordova where B taught a 6.5 hour class on beekeeping. I had registered for it a couple weeks ago, so I participated. It was nice to be around other adults, even if I only spoke to one or two of them. We were up at 7 to pack up and drive there, but we got doughnuts on the way. That always helps an early morning. After an early dinner, I've had the rest of the evening off. 

There it is. Those are the major tasks I've completed this week. In my spare time (either lunch/ siesta break or after dinner) I usually go talk to the goats and horse so they get used to me, or I hang out with the girls. We like to take walks to the mailbox down the long driveway or collect eggs from the coop. I also do a lot of dishes to help out, and I try to keep all of my areas clean. Well...my motor home isn't super clean, but that's my personal space.

Bee fact #6: The earliest records of beekeeping was in Cairo, Egypt back in 2400 BC

I have many more thoughts to share, but this entry has already been exhaustingly long enough. In my next post, I'd like to share with you how I feel about all of this. I have a lot of thoughts about what I'm doing, how I'm interacting with the family, how they seem to respond to me, etc. I obviously miss you guys quite a bit, but I'm so thrilled to be here. Every day I just thank God for giving me this opportunity and I ask Him to help me make it matter. I don't want to just be doing this for me, I want to make an impact. 

Thanks for all being super supportive and wonderful! I love you all.

Travel Prequel

Despite the fact that 2013 was unquestionably one of the best years of my life, it became apparent to me halfway through that I was in desperate need of a change of scenery. A variety of small personal problems combined with several months of self growth made me start to question if it was wise of me to continue living in Everett indefinitely. Without going into detail, in the end it was the person that I wanted to be around the most that actually unknowingly convinced me it was time for me to go. He asked if I'd ever heard of WWOOF (Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms) and told me he thought I'd really enjoy it. Within days I'd looked into it and began embarking on the journey that has led me to where I am now.

After many months of making preparations (something rare for me - I'm much more of a spontaneous girl) and taking a month long vacation, I decided to skip my original intended destination (Maine) and find one that made me feel more comfortable. In about 8 hours I'll be driving to Wilton, California where I'll be staying for a month (give or take) on a farm with a family I've never met. I'm looking forward to it more than you could imagine, and I can't wait to share all my experiences with you along the way. While a month is a brief amount of time, I have no plans for the next several months with the exception of hopefully Burning Man. If I can make it happen, and I have no doubt that I can, I'd like to hop from farm to farm learning as much as I can about agriculture and what it means to be in touch with this incredible Earth we call home. 

I will keep everyone posted as often as I can.

Thanksgivings

This morning I woke up around 3 AM here on the east coast (though I think North Carolina is more considered the south) and couldn't get back to sleep for more than half hour bursts at a time. Finally I decided to rise up before dawn, sit outside in the cold with a much-too-early cigarette, and then make myself some hot chocolate. Then I thought, hey! Why not channel all this energy (I'm lying - I have very little energy) into something positive? I thought my brain could use a break from thinking about all the things that are wrong with the world. Or at least everyone around me could use a break from having to listen to those things. While I plan to write a more extensive list come New Year's, let's talk about some of the things that have made my life worth being thankful for.

Family - Originally I felt like this was a cop-out since so many people list family first. Then I realized that these days that's definitely not a guarantee, since so many families kinda suck. My family does not suck, however, and I'm grateful for them every day. 

I have a mother who loves being a mother. When people ask me about her, that's the first thing I say. She just loves being a mom. She is not only the breadwinner of the family, but she cooks, cleans, organizes, gives advice, walks for causes, snuggles me when I'm sad, and overall rocks. I'm 100% aware that if she were to die any time soon, I wouldn't be able to function as an adult. Maybe that means I'm not very good at being an adult, but I do love relying on my mom and I know she wouldn't have it any other way. From her I get my love of meeting new people, which I didn't realize until recently. She's crafty beyond all reason, and she generally knows the answer to every question I ever have. Even if she doesn't, I just tell her to make it up so I don't feel let down. She and I have developed a pretty solid bond over the years and I love her immeasurably.

My father is a fighter for everything in life. He fights for the underdogs, and he fought when he had his stroke. People say I get my determination from him, but I think they overestimate me because his is far more terrifying. Every six months he goes through either a healthy phase or a heavy duty cleaning/ organizing phase. I do happen to get about 80% of my personality traits from him. We both love to travel, try new foods, be responsibly wild, and hide in our respective rooms when we don't feel like being social. He is often one of the only people who can calm me down when I'm anxious, and he's a brilliant role model.

My younger brother is one of my favorite people on the planet! We are at once complete opposites and exactly alike. He cooks for me and watches movies with me and listens to me rant. We finish each other's sentences, laugh at each other's jokes and constantly weird each other  out. I don't know how it's still possible for him to freak me out so often, but he's a strange guy. I'm always forgetting he's an adult, but he's turned into such a great one. 

My older brother and I aren't as close as we could be, but he's a strong man. He's financially stable, happily married, and has served our country for many years. He and his wife (my glorious sister-in-law) make a beautiful family that I admire and respect.

Love - I know friends was supposed to come next, but I broke that mold. I'm such a fan of love, guys. Such a fan! I'm convinced that love is the most powerful thing in existence. Love is responsible for friendships and enemies. Love creates life and beauty. Love is from God. As I always say, love is the gift that keeps on giving. It's the one thing that the more you give, the more you have. It grows. Love doesn't make sense. It's this crazy, wacky, messed up ideal that we struggle daily to comprehend. It causes us to make sacrifices that no one else understands. It makes us cry when we're happy. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking all at once. One of my favorite new quotes is, "There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never." I spend my life loving the shit out of everything and everyone that I can, and I'm constantly willing to fight for love.

Gratitude - I live my life in a constant state of awe. I resolved myself ages ago to never take anything for granted. It's a blessing and a curse. Everything amazes me constantly, which brings a new light to everything I do. I still don't understand how CD's work. Technology confuses me, and we use it all the time. Animals delight me. I try to actively humanize everyone I meet in order to remember that they are worthy of love, even when no one else thinks so. Science, which drives so many into thinking there is no God, only confirms for me how complex my Supreme Being is. I'm thankful that I have this ability, because it means my life is never boring. 

Friends - Here they are. I have an incredible friend base. I have an eclectic set of groups that I can rely on to satisfy all my human requirements. I have my faith based friends who I can talk to about God and life whenever I need to. They are there for me spiritually and emotionally, and I love them dearly. I have my wild groups that I can party with and spend time with. I have friends from every walk of life who accept me for who I am without question. I have an adorable boyfriend who gives me so many snuggles. I'm thankful every day for the people I've met in my life who have taught be valuable skills and assets and who love me.

Life - Again, this seems like a cop-out, but life is so incredible. I don't know what I've done to be blessed with a life that has done me more good than harm, but I definitely don't try to take that for granted either. I don't assume it will always be as wonderful as it has been for this past year, specifically, but I know that when new obstacles come my way, I've been given the tools I need to overcome them.

Overall, I'm very thankful on this holiday for the life I lead. Though I've gone through some crazy shit, I keep trucking because that's the only option. It's not a requirement to keep living, but it's the greatest gift. I don't want to squander it. 

Happy Thanksgiving, my loved ones! I could not be who I am today without you.

In Which I Discuss My Awe for the Reproductive System

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we're living in the 21st century where almost everything under the sun is acceptable, but I'm genuinely confused whenever I meet someone - especially a woman - who thinks childbirth or any part of it is disgusting.

There are two issues for me here that I should clarify - people who don't find childbirth as miraculous and awe inspiring as I do, and people who just find it plain gross. If I look objectively, I can maybe sorta kinda barely understand the latter, but I have a difficult time conceptualizing the former.

The entire biology behind creating a life (animals included) 100% amazes me every single time I think about it...which is a lot. Let's start at the beginning. I'll try to be brief about how the reproduction system works, since I know we all learned it ten or twenty years ago.

Here we have the common sperm. They are tiny, they are adorable (yes, seriously), they are many. What astonishes me about sperm is, in fact, how small they are. Human males dispense anywhere from 180-500 million sperm per ejaculation. This is especially incredible to think about when you take into account that sperm only make up about 5-10% of the seminal fluid. This means there are millions of these microscopic swimmers per drop of semen.

Next we have the average egg. While it was originally thought that women were only born with a certain amount of eggs, newer (yet controversial) studies are finding that we might be able to produce more after all. However, the egg only has one chance a month to be fertilized. The window is a mere 12-48 hours out of an entire month!

From here we all know that the sperm (with half the soon-to-be-person's DNA) eventually meets the egg (with the other half), a few break down the walls and one finally gets inside. I bring the two main components up because, again, I want to illustrate the size of them. They are both naked to the human eye and yet when they come together they create life. It's how every single one of us got here.

After this, the process of the zygote becoming a tiny person inside someone blows my mind. Did you know an embryo has a heartbeat by the second month? I've seen it. This little thing the size of a grain of rice has a heart. It's incredible. And think about the rate at which this whole human ends up being developed! I read somewhere (and I can't find the source to site, but I promise I read this) that if a baby grew outside of the womb as fast as it did inside the womb it would eventually become as large as Mt. Everest.

I could go on and on about the actual facts of reproduction, but what I'm most curious about is the effect - or lack thereof - it has on people. Of course it's a very common thing. It happens everywhere we look, and it's been happening since the dawn of time in regards to most things organic. Nevertheless, it's hard for me to understand the lack of awe people have towards it. We literally came from nothing, each of us. Not only that, but many of us have the power to make that happen again. Whether you choose to exercise that power is not my concern in any way. Whether you've given birth, lost one, had an abortion, or none of the above - I'm not here to judge. The fact that we can do any of those is what's so cool.

Having said all that, I think you can tell I'm not someone to be made squeamish by pregnancy. As appalled as I am by people's lack of wonder (in their defense, anyone can get used to anything), I equally react when I meet people who are actually disgusted by the process. You know what's totally weird? Women bleed out of their vaginas every single month. We get over that. Television advertises the detailed uses of tampons and pads. It's not a a big deal. You know what else is totally weird (in that really cool way I mentioned above)? Women push babies out of their vaginas, too. Then they often feed them nutrients from their own breasts which have naturally created sustenance.  For some reason, though, this is actually disturbing to people. Having a baby is a slimy, bloody affair. When something comes from your very insides, it's not going to be clean. When something has latched onto your uterus and stretched you out and pushed itself outside of an opening that you once thought would never allow it to, it's going to hurt and it's going to be visually shocking. But disgusting? So repugnant that you wouldn't want to be in the room to watch a loved one go through with it? I can't fathom it.

Despite the fact that I still haven't decided if I even want children or not, it's become extremely important to me that if I find a future settling down mate (also known as a "spouse") they don't have an aversion to reproduction and all it entails. As soon as someone tells me how gross they think it is, part of me is a little sad as I think about their future spouse (who isn't me at this point) possibly having to go through their labor alone.

So listen - I'm totally not telling you all to go out and have babies. I'll be the first to tell you we have a major population problem. I'm also not telling you to hug every pregnant woman you see, because I know most of them hate that. What I'm asking is that you maybe truly think about the actual wonder of it, just for a minute. To think about life that came from nothing more than an 5-22 second (truth) orgasm. It's flipping amazing.

Waste Not

I don’t know if you know this, but I love lists. I’m a freak about making them, and not at all swell at following them. I’m that girl who writes, “Make list” at the top of the page just so I’ll have something to check off later and thus feel accomplished. This is only relevant because that’s the format of today’s post.

Today’s topic is waste! It’s a mostly unnecessary rant about a few of the things I find most wasteful in today’s world.

(I apologize in advance to Scott who has suffered through most of these before.)

1)  Leaf blowers – The leaf blower was possibly invented in the 1950’s (no one seems to know for sure) and it was not, in fact, made for blowing leaves. It was originally intended to spray chemicals (right off the bat it was not environmentally friendly).

My problem with the leaf blower is obvious – they pollute the environment and they’re obnoxious. Let’s also take into consideration what they do. They blow shit from one area to another. You’re not removing the problem; you’re just pushing it aside. It’s like when you used to clean your room by shoving everything under your bed. That’s not making things any better; you still have to sort through that junk eventually.  

2)   Plastic:

a.       Sandwich bags – it is absolutely outrageous that we even use these. Imagine that you have one child who you send to school daily with a sandwich. That’s about 180 school days of plastic baggies that then get thrown away to sit in a landfill for hundreds of years. Now multiply that by every child in every school across the world.

b.      Straws – Yes, I complain about this on a weekly basis, but I’m dead serious about it. The other day a barista gave me double straws in my coffee and I was irritated for about an hour. Maybe I was overreacting, but really? Coffee lids (bad enough that they’re plastic too) have holes in them for drinking out of. It’s not rocket science. According to simplystraws.com, “More than 500 million disposable plastic straws are used in the United States every day and would fill more than 127 school buses daily, or more than 46,400 school bus loads per year”. I don’t know about you, but this literally gives me anxiety. 500 million per day, and that’s just the United States!

c.       INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED PRUNES This is another thing that I become positively livid over whenever I see them. I shit you not, these exist. I’m not sure why anyone needs to preserve prunes when they’re already a dried fruit. I’m also not sure who decides it’s ever necessary to eat only one prune.

d.      CD wrappers – we all hate these, mostly because they’re annoying as hell to open.  What you probably never even consider is that it’s just wasteful.

e.   Bottled water - Water is free, people. It's free! Approximately only 13% of water bottles actually end up getting recycled. That leaves the rest to sit around in landfills, leaching toxins into the air for hundreds of years. Stop it.

I think you can see by now that single use plastic is of the devil, so I’ll end that sub list here.

3     3)      Graveyards - I’m aware that death is something that we still don’t fully comprehend and are a little scared of. I think that most cultures agree by now, however, that if there is a soul it doesn't stay in the body once life has ended. As such, I believe cemeteries are taking up way too much space on our earth – millions of acres and counting. It would be one thing if we buried our dead without a coffin. In that way, they could decompose and give back to the earth like many of our ancestors did. This coffin business is out of hand, though. Caskets are hundreds, even thousands, of dollars. They have pillows and blankets and all sorts of fancy accouterments to keep the dead comfortable. Last I checked, though, the dead don’t really require a lot of comfort. I understand the desire to pay tribute to a loved one, and I understand that it’s hard to let someone go. Cemeteries offer a place for people to visit when they’re missing someone, but keep in mind that our population is up to over 7 billion. That’s a lot of lives and it’s going to be a lot of deaths. We’re already destroying enough of the planet while we’re alive; maybe once we die we could agree to cut it some slack.

(Check out this article on some of the ways other cultures used to dispose of their dead: http://matadornetwork.com/bnt/10-extraordinary-burial-ceremonies-from-around-the-world/ I’m not advocating for all of them, but I definitely enjoy the ones where they leave the bodies outside to be eaten by wild animals)

4) Cat toys - You know what cats play with? Anything they want. String, grass, your toes, your hair, your nose, small woodland creatures. They don't need man made toys (...especially ones made out of plastic)

5) Baby toys - In that same vein, babies also don't need a lot of toys. They're babies. They play with basically anything cats do. As long as you're not letting them chew on electric chords, they should be fine. What babies really need for the first year of their life is lots of face time with humans and pets who love them. They need nurturing and someone to keep them safe. Interpersonal development starts young!

6) Any happy meal or vending machine toy - Again, these are just pieces of plastic that people end up throwing away because their kids already have too many toys. They don't promote creative development. They're a waste of the manufacturers' money and time, and they hurt when you step on them. 

7) Water - This one is pretty obvious, and one I'm pretty guilty of. I love long, hot showers. Think about all the times we let the water run just waiting for it to get hot. That shit is bananas. Just flushing the toilet uses anywhere from 1-5 gallons of water depending on the kind you have. That doesn't sound like a large amount until you consider how many toilets there are in the world. According to WWF, it takes 50 gallons just to make one latte. (http://worldwildlife.org/videos/change-the-way-you-think-about-your-morning-latte) I drink at least one latte a week, and I'm only one person.

8) Time - I don't think I even need to bother explaining this one.

For those of you interested in minimizing your carbon footprint, here are three (plus one for the pet owners) handy sites. I don't want you to think I'm just complaining without offering solutions.

http://simplystraws.com/the-collection
http://www.wehatetowaste.com/

http://www.reuseit.com/

http://www.westpawdesign.com/catalog/cats/best-cat-toys/eco-friendly-cat-toys (In case you really, really have to get your cat some toys)