Eradicate the "Gay"

Let’s do away with the label ‘gay’.

As I’m sure we all know by now, the word originally had everything to do with a cheery, joyful disposition and nothing at all to do with a person having sexual relations with someone of the same sex. What you may or may not know are the several other transitions the word has gone through before it arrived at where it is now. (If you’re interested, check out this article for its intricate history: http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/02/how-gay-came-to-mean-homosexual/)

(Note: tangent ahead)

My problem is not so much the word itself but the way it’s used these days as a label - a blanket statement for anyone who may have homosexual tendencies. Our culture is obsessed with labels, of separating people into manageable boxes that we can move about and handle throughout our lives. Starting as early as elementary school we begin migrating into social circles based on generic interests. These grow steadily into the cliques we see throughout middle and high school. By the time we get to college, part of us starts to realize the world shouldn't be like this, but by then it’s too late. With our sororities and fraternities, our glee clubs and sports teams, we’re reminded that in order to keep our social connections we shouldn't broaden our interests too much or it will be harder for us to find anyone else remotely like minded.

The obvious problem with labels is that once they’re applied to us, they stick. What we have failed to realize as a culture thus far is that, while labels may help us to individually relate to people, they do more harm than good in the long run by causing us to judge one another when someone does something uncharacteristic of one's label. Bible thumpers can’t smoke cigarettes or have sex. Tree huggers better be recycling and saving the whales or they don't fit in with the rest. Goths shouldn't smile, emo kids should always have the same hair and tight pants.

By now I think you know where I’m going with this, and I can almost hear you protesting that being gay is definitely not the same thing as being a hipster. I disagree. These days being gay is either a stigma or a blessing. Homosexuality has never had this much steady media exposure, and it’s been made abundantly clear that you better choose a definitive, exuberant side on the topic or so help you. If gay is too broad a term for you, we can even break it into smaller subcategories like 'lesbian' or 'bisexual'. What matters is that you have an exact label for what you do with your love life and that you share it with all of us.

Here’s where we get to the tricky part. What about the people who, after a while, aren't 'gay’ anymore? Or what about people who have lived their entire life as a ‘straight’ person but are reevaluating that? I’ve heard the arguments about people who have kept their sexuality repressed. I've heard about the people who are confused about their sexuality and therefore it “doesn't count” until they've discovered their “true selves”. I've heard the arguments for being born gay, for nature vs. nurture, etc. Of course I know many people who definitely prefer one gender over another. While those will all eventually be discussed in later entries, what I’m bringing to the table now is this – it shouldn't matter. Not only should it not matter, but what gives any of us the right to relabel someone should their preference ever change? How dare we.

I knew a woman who was dating a man who used to be gay. He’d been dating men for several years before meeting her and falling in love with her. There are generally three common reactions for a situation like this:

 1) “He obviously wasn’t really gay.”

2) “He’s still gay and denying that side of him.”

3) “He’s not really gay. He’s bisexual.”

Let’s think about this. Was this man involved in happy, fulfilling relationships with other men previously? Yes. Is he now happily involved with a woman? Yes. Does it change who he is fundamentally as a person? No. Most important question of all – should it matter to anyone else?

What it boils down to for me is that it’s really no one’s business who you’re interested in/ attracted to.* While I find it absolutely mind boggling that there are still states that can fire you for having relations with the same gender, I’m ten times more appalled by the fact that anyone should care. I cannot emphasize this enough: your love life does not define who you are as a person. And! It’s up to no one else to heap titles upon you and then change them based on your own choices.

Humans were born with the gift and bane of curiosity and indecision. What a blessing it is to be able to change our minds or follow our hearts wherever they may lead us, yet how exhausting! As if being a complex human isn't wearying enough, we are also cursed with the burden of having our very peers label us, segregate us, compartmentalize us. What if this were something we didn't have to deal with anymore? Can you imagine how liberating it would be? 

We wouldn't be fighting this battle for ‘gay’ rights because we would be focusing on the rights of all humans equally.

When I brought this topic up to a friend of mine recently he asked, “Well what word will we use then?” My answer was, “We won’t.”

I admit that in the past I've been guilty of using these terms. By all accounts, I was raised in this same culture you were. I admit that it’s more comfortable (and by all means easier) to tell someone you’re not interested in them because you’re straight or gay. I pledge now, however, to work my hardest to change all that. The next time someone asks me my sexual orientation, I will politely decline to answer. I no longer even want to think of myself as having one, because that sounds like a limitation. I’m a human, after all. I’m prone to change as often as I breathe, and I plan to.

*Note: While it does not matter what gender you prefer, there are obviously some standards I have when it comes to sexual encounters. Sexual abuse/rape, pedophilia, and bestiality are never, ever appropriate.