Growing up I was raised during the day by my father while my mother worked full time. If you were to affix labels on them, then, my father would have been "The Nurturer" while my mother would be "The Breadwinner". Yet I never felt that I lacked nurture from my mother, and I never found it strange that my dad was the one who stayed home. It was the way I was raised, and I've never been displeased with it.
My dad, to break another stereotype, was the 1st feminist I ever met (and he remains the most prominent one I know today). Throughout my childhood he was a psychotherapist who specialized in working with victims (and often perpetrators) of Domestic Violence. He also visited Africa a handful of times and spoke out against female circumcision (a barbaric mutilation at best) and violence towards women in tribes where men felt they were somehow entitled to mistreat their wives. He made sure I knew from an early age that women never deserve to be treated this way and that no man has "the right" to be a batterer. Ultimately, of course, he taught me that these weren't just lessons he was spreading far away from home - he was applying them to me. My father always knew that I would grow up one day and be outside his protection, so he gave me the tools early on to protect myself. He showered me with respect (and more than a little spoiling - I am still a daddy's girl) and love, because he hoped that when I grew up I wouldn't settle for anything less in my potential partners.
Now, despite my father's great love and respect for women (or what I now realize is because of), my family was very anti gender stereotypes. My dad put pants under my dresses when we went to the park, because I was a born climber. He would put me on top of the monkey bars and let me scramble around, and he put pants on me because they were comfortable and obviously more decent than having nothing on underneath while I'm above everyone else. I loved messes (and still do), and this was also not discouraged. I had very few Barbies, maybe 3 or 4, and I was never forced to wear pink. I was not told I wasn't allowed to do something due to the fact that it wasn't "lady like" to do it. The only two times I can ever remember my gender playing a role in a decision my parents made for me were when a) I became too old to start having co-ed sleepovers (which I respect), and b) when I wanted to join the wrestling team in middle school. My parents didn't like the idea of me wrestling with only boys, especially if they were boys going through puberty. I was furious about it at the time, but now I'm 100% grateful they made that choice.
Additionally, me being able to rough and tough with the neighborhood kids did not warrant me being labeled "tomboy" by my family. Nor did I have to suffer inquiries (from my parents at least) about whether or not I'd grow up to be a lesbian just because I wore my hair short and preferred activities that may have appeared not feminine. My peers at school were obviously a different matter, and I was teased mercilessly for a myriad things, most notably my short hair, straightforwardness, and (I'll admit) a bit of a "fuck off" attitude. Because of my parent's solid affirmations that I could do anything a boy or girl could do, however, I continued to do what I enjoyed and did my best to ignore the haters, even when it was an immense and lonely struggle.
Given all this, you'd think I'd know how to stand up and say I know exactly what it means to be a woman. I don't, though. I know that gender is such a sticky subject, and I don't want to make the mistake of saying "all women are like this and not like this". What I can do, however, is try to express what being a woman for me is.
I am a nurturer - I love the children I work with more than anything. They brighten my days, warm my heart, and teach me what it feels like to be maternal.
I am empowered - I know my choices are my own to make, but I also know that many of the choices I make affect those around me, so I accept responsibility in trying to do what's best for myself while trying not to hurt other's unnecessarily.
I am curvaceous - No, this does not make me more of a woman than someone who is thin, someone who is perfectly fit, or someone who is obese. I accept my body, though, and embrace it, loving it as much as I can while living in a culture that tells me I shouldn't.
I am outspoken, sarcastic, opinionated, honest often to a fault, passionate. Sometimes I mistake them for being the same thing.
I am flawed.
I am capable of bearing children inside my womb, but I am confident enough to decide that I won't.
I am a reader. I also love to play video games, watch movies, crochet, hike, teach myself art.
I am a Daughter of Eve ("To Narnia and the North!")
At the end of the day, are these the things that make me a woman? I don't know. But when I think about them, something inside my gut tells me that I'm being a woman the best way I know how to. Namely, without thinking about it. I'm just being who I am, and I think that being proud of who I am is one of the best characterizations of my womanhood.
Lastly, and I hope you aren't sick of this poem (I'll just put the first part) by Maya Angelou, because I can never get enough of it:
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
So happy International Women's Day to all the amazing, wonderful women I know, and to the men who appreciate and cherish us for being that way.
